We are now almost at the end of the first week of NO-vember. When I saw the month written like that, it gave me a new perspective. November is a month, especially in the Northern Hemisphere, that’s about letting go of attachments just as the trees let go of their leaves. We are invited to follow nature. It’s a great opportunity to get good at saying no. Take a moment and consider how easy you find that.
Many people find it very difficult to say no because they don’t want to offend other people. As Lao Tzu said:
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.
Lao tzu
The truth is that you can never please anyone all of the time and that’s why in so many ways this is a Green issue. Let me go deeper into this so you understand what I mean. Currently I have a number of feminine male clients. They are wonderful listeners often and have great empathy; and at the same time so much of the time they shower others with these qualities and leave very little for themselves. If they overdo this tendency, it may be that they become “people pleasers”; there is a sense of emptiness and there can be resentment. This comes if you give too much away and do not receive the love you hoped for. The key is to become your own best friend.
Why is that a clue?
I was in a wonderful group meditation recently, when Luna Gladman, another of the participants, received a great insight that spoke to many of us that’s relevant to this topic. It was the ability to receive is as important as being able to give. Like the infinity symbol both aspects need to be in harmony. How balanced is your giving and receiving?
The main reason this is out of balance in many of my clients is due to a lack of inner authority. Authority is a blue issue and so relates to the throat. What this means is that these clients often find it hard to speak their truth. Many times they have a fear of conflict so tend to minimise any disagreement. For example they might say they feel a minor irritation toward a situation and convince themselves that’s how they feel when in reality they feel furious about it. Their communication lacks a degree of honesty
With such male clients there is often a further factor to take into consideration. Often they either had a terrible relationship with their father or an absent dad. In such scenarios they tend to have had no good male role model and so have rejected their own masculinity. It’s important to note that a lot of this happens at an unconscious level.
A story for context
So as often happens when I get insights like this, I am tested in my own life. As I have a lot of masculine energy, I always felt I was good at saying no so, as you will see, I was given additional challenges which pulled on my heart strings.
It started when I received an unexpected email from someone who I am very fond of and who I work with. He has experienced a lot of adversity recently some of which I heard about for the first time in the email. And then came the sticky point in that our relationship is built on trust so there is no written agreement in place. We had a tacit agreement for the work that we were doing together and our recollection of what we had agreed was different.
The best way to resolve conflict
Let me say there is no painting by numbers way to address such differences. What I did was take time to reflect on the situation and take it to the Divine. What’s happening in the 3D can only be resolved in the 5D. Let’s explore more of the story I shared with you earlier.
The issue is not yet fully settled however after I had sat with it I got clarity that this issue was testing my ability to be clear about my boundaries. I wrote back and have made an offer which I hope will work for him. I also reached out to two clients within the group as I thought they might be able to help.
For me that last step was in some ways the hardest thing to do because I was making myself vulnerable. I was able to do it because I have a relationship going back years with both of them AND I believe together we are stronger. Right now it seems that the risk I took seems to be paying off.
I am sharing this because I think it show that it takes courage to find your no and state your boundaries. What can help is by practising the mantra I am my own best friend because when you love yourself first then it’s easier to say no to people. And remember what Matt Kahn calls the most important golden rule you have done nothing wrong. Even if your situation or the one I have shared with you does not end the way you/ I hope there is comfort in those words.
This points to another element in the mix that stating your boundaries involves a risk – you may lose someone you consider close over it. If the outcome of you saying no to someone causes you pain or even embarrasses your ego then practise self-compassion and say For me to be who I was born to be, life couldn’t have happened any other way.
If you want more or simply prefer listening to stories and ideas then do watch my video on this topic. And I would love to know how you get on with the practice of saying no in No-member. Please feel free to email me and share what happens as you practise being firm about your boundaries.